Cluck Cluck Cluck... ATTACK!

I've been thinking about vegetarians recently. Don't worry, I don't plan on becoming one. I think that vegetarians aren't doing their job to protect humanity. See, vegetarians are all about saving the animals because it's cruel for us to kill them, but I wonder if they ever stopped to think about what might actually happen if we really did just up and stop eating meat. Here's what I believe could happen:

The world is populated by about 23 billion chickens. The human population of the world is about 6.7 billion. That means that there are almost 4 chickens for every person in the world. That's the start of a pretty big problem if you ask me. See, we already occupy a lot of space on the planet. Do we really need chickens to be doing the same thing? I'm sure that some of you are thinking, "hey James, there are only that many chickens in the world because we grow them."

True.

But that doesn't matter. See, you are right, we did grow them, but if we stopped killing them, that doesn't change the fact that we grew 23 billion chickens! Now, think about this. A chicken lays an egg every 24 hours, on average. Let's just pretend that each chicken only sits on two fertilized eggs at a time, something we know to be untrue because, let's face it, chickens are like bunnies. It takes 21 days for a chicken egg to hatch, on average. It's now math time.

We have 22 billion chickens (we'll pretend one billion of them are roosters, though we clearly don't need that many roosters to fertilize our hens) laying 2 eggs that hatch in 21 days. That means in just 21 days, we now have a whopping 66 billion chickens all because we stopped eating them. The very next day, 22 billion hens can potentially lay another 44 billion eggs, and in another 21 days, we have another 44 billion chickens tacked onto our current 66 billion chickens. So, in 42 days, we are at 100 billion chickens.

Now, about 22 weeks after being born, hens can start laying eggs. When our first batch of hens can start laying eggs, thanks to just the 22 billion chickens we as humans grew, the earth is now populated with 1.386 trillion chickens. And that was just 22 weeks of 22 billion chickens breeding. Now we have about 66 billion chickens breeding, at a rate of growth of 44 billion chickens every 21 days. In just 21 days, a single batch of new chickens added, our number of 1.386 trillion chickens has already doubled to 2.736 trillion chickens.

Do you see where we have a problem yet?

Just 23 weeks after we stopped eating chickens, we went from 23 billion chickens to 2.736 trillion chickens. We, as a population of about 6.7 billion people, are now outnumbered by chickens 408:1.

So I ask you, what do chickens eat? Seed. What comes out of seeds? Trees and plants. What happens when chickens eat all the seeds? Trees stop growing. What happens when trees stop growing? No more oxygen. Who needs oxygen to survive? All life on Earth.

Besides, even if the chickens didn't eat all the world's seed, I don't put it past them to just attack us. I know chickens are stupid, but I don't think I could fight off 408 of them as they charged me down, beaks and claws ready for war.

So, don't be an idiot. Keep the chickens at bay. Don't become a vegetarian.