Hello, My Name is "John".

Outsourcing to India is the greatest threat to global peace since the India-Pakistan race for nuclear arms. You pick up the phone with an issue that should be resolved in 5-10 minutes, tops, and then you hear Mr. India pick up the phone and say in broken English “Hello, my name is John, how can I help you,” and you’re already thinking how much you hate him because you know “John” is a liar because his name isn’t “John,” it’s probably “Patel,” but now you have to call Mr. Patel “John” India by his fake name for the rest of your conversation.

So Patel “John” India starts off by asking for your name, and so you spell it, J-A-M-E-S, and Patel “John” India reads it back:

“I have H-P-P-Q-F”

“No, J-A-M-E-S”

“Sorry, H-A-R-7-1”

“John, you just put numbers in my name! How could that possibly be right?!”

And 45 minutes goes by and Patel “John” India finally gets your name right because he has simply run out of every single letter combination in the alphabet, and he moves onto other personal information. By this point, your blood is boiling, and you’re already shopping the internet for plane tickets and soap and weed-killer so you can fly to India, build a bomb, and blow up the headquarters for whatever company Patel “John” India works for.

After two hours on the phone, you finally get to your question, by which time you’ve already booked your tickets, planned to have your bomb supplies shipped to your hotel in India (which you booked through Orbitz) and you’re in your car driving to the airport. Patel “John” India tells you he can’t help you, and transfers you to his manager.

He then puts you on hold for the entire 9 hours that you are on your plane flying to India. When you land and have collected your bags, the manager finally takes the call, and tells you there’s nothing they can do to help you. You argue for another 2 hours while you unpack your bags and start building your bomb. Then, she transfers you to someone at their “corporate office” which is utter shit because now you’re talking to Patel “Peter” India who clearly is in the same building. While he tells you he’s sorry, you drive over, plant your bomb, and blow up their building. Your line is disconnected.

You call back and are routed to their English office, where your issue is resolved in 3 minutes.