Even as a young child, there was always one show that just drove me insane whenever it appeared on television. It would appear in the day, often at times that would interfere with quality programming, and it would stay on the television for anything from a single episode, to a marathon of collected episodes that some idiot decided were important. By the end of each episode, I felt a little less alive. So, I suppose I have at least one thing to thank it for: The Muppet Show; you killed my childhood piece by piece.
If you happen to be a fan of the Muppet Show, then... well, you know what, I was going to apologize to you for my hatred, but I'm not sorry in the least. How dare you enjoy something that is so obviously about nothing! How dare you sit there and laugh at the antics of those puppets as they dance around the stage pretending they are performing live when in fact, they don't even have vocal chords with which to sing! There was never anything to be gained from the Muppet Show, unlike other programmes such as Scooby Doo, which taught you how to catch ghosts, all of which would end up being people, or Johnny Bravo, who taught you the art of courtship. The Muppets, in the long run, contributed in absolutely no way to society.
That said, I would like to move on to more specific targets. Kermit the frog. He is a star, and has appeared in many other shows outside of the Muppet Show. I believe at one time, he even had his own show in which he did almost exactly the same thing he did on the Muppet Show, just without his supporting cast of other puppets. He was a terrible roll model, and should not have been broadcasted in such a manner. First up, he couldn't talk properly. His voice always drawled on, and he always sounded depressed. He was green; children should not be convinced that being green is a good thing. Most importantly, he is a frog. Frogs eat things with their tongues. What is that teaching our generation about proper table manners?
Perhaps even worse than Kermit the Frog was Miss Piggy. She was a sex graved lunatic that would do anything to hop on Kermit the Frog's nuts. She could almost always be seen in the most revealing of attire (which for a pig, is less than flattering), and she would sing and dance about how in love she was with Kermit who loved her strictly out of obligation, if even at all. What lessons are these?! Pig and Frog intercourse supports bestiality. If it's alright for a frog to drill a pig, what's stopping a person? Nothing, that's what! Also, children should never be convinced that pigs enjoy dressing in slutty cloths. At least Kermit the Frog always appeared naked. Children: Pigs don't wear cloths! Don't listen to the Muppet Show! But probably most importantly is the complete disregard the Muppet Show had for the importance of relationship equality. Miss Piggy was a controlling bitch who manipulated Kermit the Frog in every possible way. She was the perfect example of an awful spouse, and yet was constantly an item throughout the entire Muppet series.
This final message goes out to all the little boys and girls in the world. Stop watching the Muppet Show! It's bad for you! Watch the high quality values of shows like Family Guy instead.
SUB NOTE: Don't forget about the Mitchener Chronicles: http://mitchenerchronicles.blogspot.com
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