Heated Anger

It's almost impossible to be happy during extended periods of heat. There are situations in which the sun is a very welcomed guest, but for the most part, and for regular day-to-day lives, the sun is the bitter enemy of happiness. Things can be going great, you can be in a fantastic mood, prepared for a wonderful day of fun filled events, then have it all shot down by simply stepping outside into 110 degree Fahrenheit heat.

There is a procedure that the sun follows to destroy your moral on such days. It is a three step process in which the feeble hearted will break down on during the first step, and the strong willed will make it to the third. In the end, the outcome is always the same; you will be sad, you will be angry, and you will be bitter.

Step One: Intense heat all over your body. The baking of the sun causes your entire body to warm. If you are wearing dark coloured clothing, you immediately begin to retain mass amounts of the sun's energy. As this progresses, you start to feel like a jacket potato in the oven, slowly cooking from the outside inwards. Your lips get chapped, your hair starts to burn, and your cloths become an uncomfortable burden.

Step Two: Sweat. To battle the heat, your body produces mass amounts of salt-filled sweat. This is supposed to operate as a coolant, evaporating from your skin and keeping you cool. At 100+ degrees, it is a meaningless process. The fluid evaporates from the exposed skin almost instantly, leaving behind an invisible layer of salt that rapidly begins absorbing more heat, causing more sweat, followed by more evaporation and more sun absorbing salt. The sweat that is not visible to the sun, aka sweat that is under your clothing, immediately soaks into every weave of fabric on your body. You begin to look as though you decided to jump in the shower before leaving your house, and you cloths become so saturated with your own body's coolant that you gain fifteen pounds in each item of clothing.

Step Three: Humidity. This is heat's final battle. It does not occur everywhere, but in the places that it does, it is the greatest assistant to the villain "heat". The air feels like it is thick with water, and it increases the level of sweat ten-fold. It becomes difficult to breathe and you simply want to find an air conditioned area to escape the unavoidable moisture that lingers in the air.

This is how heat gets you. You start out happy, and then slowly, step by step, it crushes you. You become angry, bitter, and hate everyone and everything. You obviously cannot blame the sun, for it is nothing more than a mass of hydrogen hanging in the sky. So instead, you blame everything else. God, friends, trees, cars, that random guy on the corner, your kids, your dogs, your cats; anyone. You better hope there's not a puppy farm around when you get too hot or else you'll most likely go on a puppy punching spree, running back and fourth punching puppies left and right to make a point.

Do us a favour: If it's hot outside, stay indoors. We love our puppies, and you shouldn't be punching them.