I Believe You Even Less

Given yesterday's post on my lack of trust, this idea seems like a fair continuation. My lack of trust, as previously stated, extends to everyone. But there are just some people out in the world that no matter how you look at it, you shouldn't even pretend to trust them. Despite the large number of them across the planet, I am going to pick one group today, and target only them. They are people that I am certain every one of you has had to deal with at some point, and I am fairly confident you feel the same way as I do about how they treat you. They are: Mechanics.

I know I'm not the only one that feels this way. Whenever you go to a mechanic, if you are anything like me and know nothing about cars, it just seems like every word out of their mouths is "I'm stealing your money, I'm stealing your money, I'm stealing your money!!!" All I know about cars is that I have to get the oil changed every once in a while, make sure the state inspection is up-to-date, and it needs to be serviced semi-regularly. Also, if one of those lights starts blinking at me, I know it needs to go in the shop. I don't know why it needs to go into the shop, or why the "Engine" light looks like a brick wearing a hat, but if it comes on, I know some shit is about to go down that I don't want to be a part of.

So, in it goes to get serviced by a man who opens up the hood and starts shaking his head. This is pretty much how any conversation with a mechanic goes:

Me: "Hey, the 'Check Break Light' light came on, so uhm, I think you need to fix it?"

Mechanic: "Sure thing, let me go look at it- Oh no, this isn't good, it's totally broken. Look, there's not even a bulb in there... Oh, and the circuits have been eaten by tiny squirrels... Oh man, we're gonna have to replace this whole thing back here..."

Me: "Oh really? Damn... I didn't know that tiny squirrels could get into break lights..."

Mechanic: "Oh yea, happens all the time. I think we should check under the hood. By the looks of things back here, there may be some engine damage."

Me: "Really? Can you tell that from the trunk? I mean, the break lights are way in the back, I always thought the engine was in the front..."

Mechanic: "Well it is, but you know how it goes, a circuit gets eaten by tiny squirrels and then the little buggers need to go find a place to defecate. Yep, look, right here, your engine valve is blocked by tiny little critter feces. Did you notice any decreased performance recently?"

Me: "No, actually, the engine has been working fine. Are you sure that's animal crap? It looks like oil to me..."

Mechanic: "Well, to the untrained eye, it would look like that. But this is good, we caught it just in time. We're going to have to disassemble your entire engine just to make sure though..."

Me: "Oh, well, I mean if it's really necessary. How much is this going to run me?"

Mechanic: "Well, we usually charge about 15,000 for Critter-Shit Engine Cleanings, but you're a great guy, so I'll do the whole thing for... 7,000 dollars."

Me: "Alright, let me go and sell a kidney."

Ring any bells? I thought it might. So there you have it. If I made you feel bad yesterday by telling you I didn't trust you, fear not. I believe you a shit-load more than I do mechanics.