Floodgates

Beer is fun. There are just so many things about beer that make it fun. For instance, it is foamy. Foam is always fun. You can make a bubble beard out of it, or perhaps if you are bald you could put it on your head as fake hair. Beer also makes your head dizzy. Dizzy heads are fun, for both the one experiencing the sensation and all those watching. In truth, beer only has one drawback: Excessive urination.

Why is it all great things come tied to something unimaginably annoying? I would like, just once, to find something in this world that makes me completely happy but at the same time doesn't make me say "God dammit, if only every time I [insert event here] I didn't have to do deal with [insert annoyance here]!" Don't get me wrong, I'm a fan of urinating. I like the feeling of emptying my bladder; it's refreshing. I just don't like doing it every ten minutes. It really interferes with drinking time if I am constantly getting up to pee.

Really, the situation could be remedied if I just did all my drinking on the toilet. I could drop the pants, get out a good book (probably one with lots of pictures... alcohol can be tricky on the mind), and then just sit, read, and drink my beer, never being forced to get up to go pee. The only drawback to this is that I would have to drink alone, and that just makes me feel too much like an alcoholic. Perhaps I could do it in a public restroom. Then people would be constantly coming and going, and I wouldn't be alone. I'm sure if I offered a handle of cheap whiskey to a bum on the street, he'd come sit in the next stall and drink along side me.

Of course, this is just wishful thinking. I have developed another method of control. It's not as good, and no where near as fun as public restroom drinking with hobo's, but it works. Cross your legs. That's right, cross them. Then drink. Hold those legs crossed for as long as you can, cause the second those flood gates are opened, it's Niagara Falls every ten minutes. If you can hold off the bust, that's your best bet. Try it, it works.

Or drop me a line. We'll go sit in a public restroom and be drinking buddies. You know, whatever tickles you.