Have you ever had one of those dreams that you are so certain is real that even when you wake up in your bed, you still are unsure how much of the dream was a dream and how much of it actually happened? Well, I just had one, which is why my blog today is being written at 05:53(a.m., but I use the 24 hour clock for those who don't know) and will, for the second time since its creation, be about something serious. Allow me to share, because I think it's one of those sharing dreams. It's short, so don't worry, and the message will come at the end. For those who come for my cynicism, I am sorry. But this was just too important to pass up.
My brother and I were driving down to the city. For some reason, we have been doing this rather often while I sleep. The way we get there is always different, as if the roads keep changing. That's important, because today we had a long drive. Exiting "the city" (I have no clue which city it is, but it oddly resembles my memories of Paris), we took a wrong turn and ended up driving onto an on-ramp which went over a hundred feet up into the air. At the top, my heart began to beat rather fast, and I could feel myself getting dizzy. I clutched the wheel harder, drove onwards, but began to see double of everything. Something bad was about to happen, and I needed to get to ground level before it did. As the wheels of my car rolled out of the elevated turn and back onto the ground based road, my heart gave one quick pound, and I died.
This is where things got interesting. Everything changed. My brother vanished from the car and everything became clearer; as if the sun had risen in the sky, but was nowhere to be seen. Behind me was sitting a person who I once knew, long ago. He was a friend of mine, if I remember correctly, or maybe the son of a friend of my mothers? I don't know, it was that long ago. What I do know is that he died when I was very young, and ever since that moment I have related death to his face. He said nothing. I looked at him, and asked him "why here?" but he said nothing. He just smiled at me, and pointed out the window at nothing but that strange light.
Worry set in. Last I had been alive, I was on the road, driving a car, with my brother in the passenger seat next to me. Was he alright? I turned to ask the... whatever he was- the spirit? He smiled. Then my memory flashed with events from the previous night. I had been up all evening talking with my friend and former roommate Kyle about our ridiculous, but rather exciting future. Realizing I would never see it, I became depressed. Then my thoughts turned to those people I love; all of them. And I realized I had not told anyone that I loved them in months. I had closed the doors, and no one knew. The spirit smiled. I didn't.
Then, he reached out and touched my shoulder, and my body filled with warmth. His lips parted for the first time, and he said to me "One more chance." I was back in the car, my brother next to me, driving up into the air once again because of my wrong turn. Then, I woke.
I tell you this because even now, looking back on the entire dream, I realize it never happened. I also realize I do not believe in the afterlife, or a god, or any spirit that will welcome me in with open arms when I die. What I do know, however, is that even in the face of total disbelief and improbability, nothing has felt more real. No matter how you look at life, death, and the afterlife; we only have one shot at the life we are living now. Every life is the last chance, and I'm going to do things as best I can.
If you are reading this, chances are I know you. If ever you've made me smile, if ever we've joked together or laughed together or made fools of one another, if ever I've told you I hate you, if ever I've told you I love you, if ever you've seen me at my worst, if ever I've confided in you, if ever you've held my hand, if ever you read a book I recommended, or played with cars with me when I was little, if ever we went out to dinner together, if ever we've shared a bottle of wine, or if ever we broke open a case of beer, if ever we've watched a movie, if ever we have exchanged simple words, or if ever you've told me about God, if ever we have fallen out, even if we have not talked since; then thank you. I love you, and I thank you. You have helped shape the person I am today, and no matter how spiteful I am, no matter how depressed I become, you have made me happy, and made me who I am.
Thank you.
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