I Found a Unicorn!

Okay, I didn't actually find a Unicorn, and I can't be credited to any of these findings in terms of the proof of Unicorns. I did, however, use the internet to find an animal I didn't know about, and am now taking credit for it because I can. So, here we go. We've all wished that Unicorns were real. Some people will argue to the grave that they are, but you know what, they are unfortunately just idiots. Because, and I'm going to just say it, Unicorns aren't real.

I'm sorry, Unicorn lovers, I know I've hurt you, but give me a chance to redeem myself. Here's what I think happened. Unicorns did exist, once. But there was that whole "Unicorn horns are magical and provide crazy powers to the person that posses it" thing. So, the Unicorns got together one day and just said "fuck this shit, I'm going home." I mean, wouldn't you want to get away from people who are constantly trying to kill you? So what did they do? They went somewhere humans couldn't follow. They went back into the ocean.

Being mammals, however, they didn't turn into fish. They used their magical horn power to speed up evolution and grew flippers and tails, and into the water they went, away from human hands. The swam out into the coldest parts of the world, where there was tons of ice, because they like white stuff because as Unicorns that was their colour and all. And they hid. They swam around doing ocean Unicorn stuff, reproducing and making more and more ocean Unicorns until someone stumbled upon them on some ocean expedition.
So Unicorn lovers. Here's your Unicorn. It's called a Narwhal. Embrace it.