Ex patriot

As a person who has lived all over the world, I have been confronted with the term "ex patriot" on a semi regular basis. Honestly, I don't like it. It seems... demeaning.

I am still a patriot. Just because I don't live in England, nor do I plan on living there again any time soon, it doesn't mean I don't love my country. I am incredibly patriotic. I have St. George flying in my room, stuck to the back of my car, and on a hat I wear almost every day. I also fly the Union Jack on bank holidays.

Also, the term "Alien" annoys me. As I grew up, I came to relate the term to creatures from another planet. When I first saw the word on a government form, I was confused. I'm not an alien. So, I moved here from another country. Last I checked, I was still a human. Granted, being a Martian would be pretty neat, but still, I'm not, and I shouldn't be treated as such.

Stop discriminating against us ex patriot aliens! The new term is "foreign-born humans". Deal with it.

Days and Time

I missed a day. Not on purpose, you see, my time schedule is off. I still haven't gone to bed, and so in my eyes, I am still working off the same day. It just so happens that the posting clock will disagree with me. As far as it's concerned, I am a day late.

I disagree with this system. Calenders are just mean. Here I am, trying to write a post every day, and this stupid system of days and time has thrown me off, all because I happen to have a screwy sleeping routine. It's time for a change!

I propose a new calender system; one that monitors your sleeping patters and then sets up what "time zone" you are in based upon when you wake and when you sleep. The world is becoming so global these days that I don't think the sun is a good measure anymore in regards to when people are actually awake or asleep. I know for a fact I am not the only person living my life as if I am currently on an island in the middle of the Pacific, even though I'm physically a few thousand miles off. So, it's time for a change. If the world is global, then the clock should be also. From this moment forward, I ask that someone figure out a way to make it so that everyone's time zone is based upon their sleeping patterns, not where they live.

I would do it, but I'm going to bed.

A world without "e"

Have you ever wondered what the world would be like without the letter "e"? I only ask because recently, I've been accidentally leaving the letter "e" off many words, and it just makes me angry. I foresee a number of probable outcomes from removing the letter "e" from the planet.

One: Everyone will get very angry, and we're talking very very angry. I expect there will be animal lovers everywhere walking around punching puppies and kittens in a desperate attempt to release their blind rage at the loss of the letter "e". I think I would fall into this category.

Two: People will continue as if nothing happened, just ignoring the letter in places where it should have been. Convrsation will turn into a long string of words dsignd to ignor th lttr "_". Popl would not vn notic. Or mayb thy will, but just not say anything about it.

Three: A group of rebels will find a way to incorporate the letter "e" back into their society. Then, different religious groups across the world will hate them, claiming the letter "e" was removed from the world because it was created by Satan, and all these "e" users are devil worshipers. I expect this will happen in the southern part of the United States- the hatred and discrimination, that is.

Not a nice thing to think about really, is it? So, i think it's safe to end with this: Keep using your letter "e"! Puppies and Kittens everywhere thank you!

Edu-prison System

Yesterday, I was reminded what it was like to live the life of a high school student. My brother recently graduated and is off to university, and so I have been going through the intense final days of his high school career with him. Honestly, I had forgotten just how terrible it was. But, before I go into this, there are some things you need to know so you can place my biases fairly.

I liked High School. I didn't love it, but I love very little, and liking something is still pretty good. I liked a lot of my teachers. In fact, I liked all of them. Even the ones I didn't get along with, but that's a different story for another day. I also was a good kid. I didn't break rules for the sake of breaking them, I did what I was told when I was told, and I worked hard at the things I cared about. I didn't try to cause trouble, though trouble did find its way to me on occasion and I had a hard time not being a part of it.

With that said, I feel I can freely express my opinions. High School is mislabeled. I don't understand how you can be forced into a place every day for four years- with full lock down security, forced meal times, unable to walk anywhere without written permission, required silent time, where you are unable to voice your opinions freely, and all rights that you once had outside these walls are taken away- and call it anything but what it is. Prison.

The two most mistreated groups of people in America are Prisoners and Publicly Educated Underage Students. Don't get me wrong, the prisoners deserve it. They broke the law. What did the students do? They are trying to earn their place in society. They are trying to work, trying to learn, trying to better themselves, and yet they are treated with the same level of respect and self worth as a man who is locked in a cell for 22 hours a day. Granted, you don't get slapped around, but if you do something wrong, they throw you in solitary confinement for three or more days, except they call it "In School Suspension" or "Alternate Education Program". Again, misleading names don't change what is really happening here, and I really hate it when people change the name of something just to hide what it really is. Why don't they just call it "Solitary"?

I do not voice these opinions without merit. I went to private high school for a year in Hong Kong at HKIS, one of the greatest schools in the world in my opinion. There, I actually felt like a human. If there was something you wanted to say, you were free to say it. Your opinions were heard, because you were the one learning, and whatever made that process easier for you should be listened to. For every graduating class, there were two counselors, and not the type in Texas where they invite you in, listen to you without hearing a word you say, and then send you on your way. No, these people were payed to take your side. They would listen to you, and agree with you (in most cases, unless what you were saying was utter bullshit) and then they would act in your favour. The school cared about its students. That's how education should be.

Public Education is flawed. But then, I was angry since my sophomore year of High School when I read "For use in School and Prison Only" on the side of the crates that delivered the cafeteria's food. America (or at least Texas), do something about your damn education system!

Satisfaction Guarantee

Ever since I was little the sales pitch "satisfaction guaranteed" has really bothered me. There are just so many things wrong with it. The biggest problem I encounter whenever I hear it is this: Who decides the level of satisfaction that I am being guaranteed, and more importantly, who gauges it? Is there some sort of satisfaction testing machine I can be hooked up to in order to prove how dissatisfied I am with the particular service or product I have received? It just seems to me like a foolish thing to offer someone, and an even more foolish thing to buy into.

I don't avoid products with satisfaction guarantee's. That would be stupid of me. Rather, I treat them as if the guarantee doesn't exist. Even if I was dissatisfied, I'd feel pretty cheap returning the item for that purpose.

Let's say I recently purchased a DVD of some sort with a satisfaction guarantee. I watch it several times and decide I am not happy. I take it in and say "No, the DVD is fine, I just wasn't satisfied with the quality of acting." If I was stupid enough to buy the Movie in the first place without looking into what it was I was purchasing, I think I should be responsible for my mistake.

That's not all that bothers me. I get the feeling that by posting "satisfaction guaranteed" on an item, the company is just asking for trouble. There are plenty of people out there just waiting for a chance to get something for nothing. If they can get their money back just by saying "I didn't like it," don't you think they'll do it? Besides, that's lying, and liars are terrible people.

What if someone were to say their blog was satisfaction guaranteed. It's a free service, so what would they lose if someone is dissatisfied. See, it's foolish isn't it. There would be no negative repercussions to posting that on a free service, and yet people do!

On a final note: This post and all others by this author are Satisfaction Guaranteed. Enjoy.

No comment

Questions are great. Rhetorical questions are the best. It's the only question where you actually get to ask something without listening to all the people who feel their opinions just need to be heard. I don't like those people. Mainly because I'm one of them, and too much James is a bad thing.

But that is why rhetorical questions are so fantastic. A bunch of people just like me can get together and ask each other questions, never expecting an answer. But there's always that one isn't there, who feels it's their duty to inform all the others what they thought the answer to the rhetorical question was. I hate those people even more.

I don't mean to complain. Rhetorical questions are fantastic, and every one's realization of this is a moment to celebrate not complain.

Now, don't you think you should be happy?

Invented Words

The English language is wonderful. I'm not saying everyone should learn it, not at all. It's good to have diversity. I'm simply stating that those who do know English are lucky. Probably luckier than most.

Why is English so great? Well, it's rather simple. I've tried my hand in a few languages in the past, and I must say, English is the only one so far that I have been able to come up with convincing words that simply aren't real. Invented Words, if you will. I call them Invenords. That was one of the very first words I invented. I don't keep track of all of them, mainly because I'm inventing new words every day, but I do write down the odd outstanding one. Let me share them with you.

Barajingle: The act of being better than everyone else at humming any song shorter than 15 seconds in length
Firnally: When one is of equal strength to a "furn"
Biatrivilous: The inability to side one way or the other on frivolous decisions
Jamiruper: Better than perfect

See, it's fun. Anyone can do it. All you need is a semi-firm understanding of how the English language works, and then a semi-decent imagination. If you have both of those, or really just either, you can pull this off. You don't even need to be smarter than other people when you do it. In fact, it's usually better if you aren't. That way the people who you aren't smarter than will be angry they didn't know a word you do, and BANG!; it's part of their vocabulary.

It's fun to mess with people. Try it. Invent some words.

What if?

"What if" has got to be one of the best ways to start any sentence. Stop reading for a few seconds and come up with several "what if" sentences. Go on. I'll wait.

Done? Right, now aren't you excited? I am. Let me explain why both of us, right now, feel great about our "what if" ideas.

For starters, there is no commitment to a "what if". It's just an idea, and most likely it's a crazy one at that. "What if tomorrow, they invented flying cars?" See, you and I have no control over that. I for one don't even understand the mechanics of a car that is stuck down by gravity, so I'll be the first to admit that flying cars are light years out of my league. Still, it's a nice idea isn't it; flying cars? Well, tack on the fact we have no commitment to the idea, and it becomes even better.

"What if you were a super hero?" This is reason two I like "what if" questions. Where did your mind go after reading that? Your thought web became so tangled you are probably now thinking about the ability to fly and use X-ray vision (which I believe would be useless) while saving people from burning buildings or stopping nuclear war. "What if" questions spur thinking. They make you want to imagine, and given the fact that so few people think these days, and even less use their imaginations, "what ifs" are very important.

I think they should be part of the education system. Young people need to think, and we aren't doing enough about it. I doubt this will happen, so I'll settle if you just pay it forward.

What "what if" questions stimulated your thinking today?

Prove it

Why is it people say that I am stubborn as if it's a bad thing?

It just doesn't make sense to me. There is absolutely nothing wrong with being stubborn. I'm fully convinced that the problem is not my stubbornness, but rather other people's inability to argue their own points. I am certainly willing to sway my opinions on any matter, it's just people don't seem to know how to present their argument in a logical fashion. How am I supposed to take someone seriously who comes up and says "No, I'm right because I am!" I'm sorry, but that's just a god-awful argument. In fact, I'm down right offended that you would even consider that to be worth my time.

The simple solution here is this: Learn how to argue. If you can listen to all the nothing I spit out my mouth to confuse you, then sift through and find the facts and argue those, then I'll most likely be convinced that what you say is highly plausible. If you can't bring yourself to do that, then really we are out of luck. Or at least you are. I don't really care, most of what I say isn't true anyhow.

Gorilla

I was scrolling through the news channel on my Wii today when I stumbled across an article about a gorilla escaping from his enclosure at the zoo in Rotterdam. Apparently, he injured two people on his freedom run before he was "returned to his enclosure". The details were all pretty sketchy, so I'll just tell you what I know.

1) A gorilla escaped a zoo enclosure
2) Some people got hurt
3) The gorilla is now back in its cage

The article seemed very focused on the fact that this gorilla was caught and put back. Personally, I think it missed the big picture entirely. What I want to know is this: What did the gorilla do while it was free in a zoo? It didn't try to leave, so what was its goal? What did it have in mind and what did it want to achieve?

Here are a few ideas that I think are rather plausible. It wanted a soda. It wanted to visit its cousins in the orangutan enclosure. It felt like claiming its rightful place as king of the jungle by beating the lion in a one-on-one battle of the fittest. Or, perhaps it just wanted to stretch its legs.

What do you think it wanted?

Boomerangs

Congratulations. Yes, you. Congratulations. If I could see you right now, I would give you an enormous pat on the back. Wondering why? Because you can throw a boomerang and make it come back to you like it's supposed to.

I felt the need to begin this little piece with the rebuttal to all those who say "I can do it!" So, there you have it. If you can throw a boomerang and make it come back to you, stop reading now. You have already been congratulated. You aren't wanted here anymore. The rest of you:

Honestly, I believe all those people to be liars. Have you ever actually met anyone that can do it? Have you ever actually seen someone throw a boomerang, miss their target, and then have the thing whip back around into their hand? I didn't think so. I haven't either, and I have family in Australia. I think this is some sort of tourist ploy. If you go to Australia, you buy a boomerang. No, don't argue with me, because you did it. You may not be proud of it, especially seeing as you can't even make it come back to you when you throw it, but you bought one all the same. Think about the components used to make one.

Wood.
Paint.

Wow! Talk about huge pocket damages! I can't possibly imagine funding the construction of boomerangs! Probably costs a whopping total of four cents to make a single boomerang. Then they are sold for what, 5, 10, 25 dollars? Stupid. And the things don't even come back when you throw them.

I'm onto you, Australia-

Liar

It recently occurred to me that the word "truth" really doesn't have much meaning to it anymore. The other day, a friend of mine called me a liar. At first, I was shocked. I take great pride in being completely honest as often as I can, but when I thought about it for a while in my very angry state of mind, I realized that yes, he is probably right.

I don't mean to be a liar. I would pawn it off on society or my parents or the friends I had growing up, but I believe in taking complete responsibility for my actions, and I am not a hypocrite. So, yes, I am a liar, and it is my fault. But let me explain myself. What is a lie anyhow? Something that never happened, but you say it did? Or perhaps the other way around? I know, it's a falsehood. That terrible feeling you get in your stomach whenever you do something you weren't supposed to do, and then say you didn't do it anyhow. Well, what if you don't get that? What if you can convince yourself that what you said really did happen? What if in your mind, you can completely convince yourself that everything you say is completely true? Is it still a lie?

Let me take it a step further. What if someone else convinced you what you said was true? What if you entered into the situation knowing you were going to leave it a liar, but someone altered your perception? Can you be blamed for that? In psychology, I learned about memory implants. This is extremely easy to do. All you need to do for this to work is link a preexisting memory to one you invented. For example, say you went out with a friend last week. Say something like "Oh yea, it's like that time last week when you accidentally grabbed that guy's ID off the bar!" Then say nothing more about it. A week later, they'll have assimilated it into their memory, and created a story for it. What if someone leads you to assimilate your lie into a true event? Is that your fault also?

The point I'm trying to make here is this: Yes, I tell lies, but I am certainly not a liar. I have convinced myself everything I say is true, and if I know I didn't lie, I'm not going to believe a liar like you telling me, an honest man, that I lied!

Wisdom

I have recently decided I want to be old. I'm not talking old, as in 40, when you aren't really old but you want sympathy and compliments from everyone so you keep saying it over and over again until someone says "OH shut up! You aren't old!" I want to be that age when you are so old that when you say "I'm old," people look at you and think- "well yea... i have seen fossils aged younger than you."

I know many of you are thinking right now "why would he want to be old?" It's actually quite simple. Old people are wise. Villages always have a village elder, and you know why this is? Because every village needs someone to tell them when they are being stupid. Granted, the only real perk to being a village elder is that when you do tell people they are being idiots, and they in turn ignore you, but then perhaps they die or get hurt or fail at whatever they were doing, you just get to sit back and say "see, I told you. I'm old. I know these things." Here's the best part though- even if you are wrong, it doesn't matter! You are old! People don't hold it against old people if they are wrong!

A life without judgement of any consequence. Sounds pretty snazzy to me.

Immortality

If someone came up to you and said, "I have with me the key to immortality, and I want you to have it. If you drink this vile, your body will return to its peak physical condition. Every cell in your body will remain strong, and you will never be susceptible to viral infections or diseases. You will, however, be able to be stopped by a bullet, a bomb, a car crash, a fall, or any other method that is not of natural origin. You will still be able to die." Would you take it?

I ask this question because I think it's important for people to think about these things before they come to pass. I for one already know my answer. I didn't even really think about it to be honest, because to me, it all seems pretty straight forward. Here's what I would do:

Yes. Yes, a thousand times, yes. In fact, the poor man handing me the vile would be in great danger of getting hurt- perhaps losing a finger in my extremely rapid grabbing motion. Why would I say yes, you ask? Well, let me tell you. This would give me the chance to see the world grow. To be there when we rise to greatness, and to be there when we fall. After 10,000 years, I would be able to say "I was there when Ender saved us from the Formics, and I was there when Peter became the Hegemon" (thanks Orson Scott Card). I would be able to see the world change, on every single level, and that- well, it would just be incredible.

Would you drink the elixir of life?

Old Names

I must admit, I have been rather disappointed with the naming system we so commonly see. I'm not blaming everyone here, because there are many people in the world who have fantastic names. Many native born South Asians name their children based on historical role models. Why not? It makes sense to name your kids after amazing people. I for one would like to name my son Achilles. I would raise him like a normal kid of course, I'm not insane, but he would never really be normal, would he. He would be "Achilles: Badass". He wouldn't even have to kill anyone. His ancestor of the name has killed enough people already, and everyone knows all the achievements of the famous are passed down to anyone with the same name.

I would be "Richard (The Lionheart)". You know you're jealous, but I'm sorry, it's my name now.

What would yours be?

Exams

I am not quite ready to begin my observations of the world. I'm afraid my education is currently shaving years off my life through the stress of finals, and as any University student would most certainly agree with me, finals time is simply a way to make grown men and women cry. But still, the school feels it's necessary to begin eroding away at my heart wall, and so my skills to perceive the world on an amusing level are lacking. Fear not, for they will return, it's just a matter of time. I suspect I may even have something by tomorrow-

The Beginning

I must confess, I have never really been one for blogging. For the longest time, I was entirely against it, believing that if anyone had anything worth saying, it would be printed on paper, not the Internet. Then I started to actually do the research, and found myself horribly mistaken. I am not one to refuse to admit when I am wrong, and so, here you have it, I'm setting the bar. I was wrong. There are in fact many blogs that exist out there on the web that just scream for attention, and I found myself giving in to some of the more legitimate of them. So, here I am, starting my blog, several days before I send my first book off to publishers across the world.

Here are my thoughts, for all the pieces of useless (but sometimes useful in their own useless way) pieces of information and ideas I have bottled up in my head.

Enjoy.