Thursday, December 23, 2010

Google is Closed: First Sign of the Apocalypse


Grab your ammo belts, sharpen your knives, stockpile your food and water supplies; Google is closed. That's right. Let me say it again, just to be sure you understand what I said. Google is closed. There is nobody in their offices. There is nobody responding to Adwords requests. There is nobody controlling the future of our society. Google, the leaders of the free world, are closed.

If you know anything about the apocalypse, then you understand the implications of this statement. With Google being closed, we have reached the point in human history where everything is turning upside down. The world has taken its first step towards chaos. Here's what you can expect to happen over the course of the next few days:

GC (Google Closing) +6hrs: The global source of information will begin to realize it is going unchecked. False information will begin to flood the interwebs, confusing fact and fiction. The Google Spider (a machine that documents all of this information) will not be able to keep up with the massive overload of unchecked information.

GC +12hrs: The Google Spider will shut down due to information overload. It will cease to document incoming information. The power that is Google will lose control of the internet.

GC +18hrs: People will begin struggling for internet dominance. With the massive flood of internet warfare, many different infrastructures will be damaged. Hackers will take the massive swarm of traffic as a "cover-by-night" approach and begin stealing bank account details, government secrets, and yes, even missile launch codes.

GC +24hrs: Hackers controlling nuclear silos all over the world will begin a power struggle. In an attempt to claim dominance, missiles will begin to fire.

GC +24hrs30min: The world will be glassed. Only a select few will survive.

GC +1yr: Society will have crumbled. All information will be lost due to global dependence on the internet.

GC +50yrs: Society will have reset into the stone age. We will be using rocks and sticks to kill each other to survive. Without the internet, no one will know how to build anything anymore.

GC +150yrs: Without the internet, people will forget how to procreate. The last of humanity will die off. The world will be left to the animals that didn't die in the Google Nuclear War.

It has begun. This is the beginning of the end.

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Hello, My Name is "John".

Outsourcing to India is the greatest threat to global peace since the India-Pakistan race for nuclear arms. You pick up the phone with an issue that should be resolved in 5-10 minutes, tops, and then you hear Mr. India pick up the phone and say in broken English “Hello, my name is John, how can I help you,” and you’re already thinking how much you hate him because you know “John” is a liar because his name isn’t “John,” it’s probably “Patel,” but now you have to call Mr. Patel “John” India by his fake name for the rest of your conversation.

So Patel “John” India starts off by asking for your name, and so you spell it, J-A-M-E-S, and Patel “John” India reads it back:

“I have H-P-P-Q-F”

“No, J-A-M-E-S”

“Sorry, H-A-R-7-1”

“John, you just put numbers in my name! How could that possibly be right?!”

And 45 minutes goes by and Patel “John” India finally gets your name right because he has simply run out of every single letter combination in the alphabet, and he moves onto other personal information. By this point, your blood is boiling, and you’re already shopping the internet for plane tickets and soap and weed-killer so you can fly to India, build a bomb, and blow up the headquarters for whatever company Patel “John” India works for.

After two hours on the phone, you finally get to your question, by which time you’ve already booked your tickets, planned to have your bomb supplies shipped to your hotel in India (which you booked through Orbitz) and you’re in your car driving to the airport. Patel “John” India tells you he can’t help you, and transfers you to his manager.

He then puts you on hold for the entire 9 hours that you are on your plane flying to India. When you land and have collected your bags, the manager finally takes the call, and tells you there’s nothing they can do to help you. You argue for another 2 hours while you unpack your bags and start building your bomb. Then, she transfers you to someone at their “corporate office” which is utter shit because now you’re talking to Patel “Peter” India who clearly is in the same building. While he tells you he’s sorry, you drive over, plant your bomb, and blow up their building. Your line is disconnected.

You call back and are routed to their English office, where your issue is resolved in 3 minutes.