Breaking for Betterness

I have realized that since the release of Halo 3, my blogging has just plummeted in quality. Honestly, I am not proud of this. To be frank, I'm rather embarrassed that I kept blogging at all. So, to all my dedicated readers, I am very very sorry.

It is for this reason, I am going to take the next week off from blogging to re-organize my thoughts and start watching the world again for things that make me smile. I hope that after this week, my writing skills will have climbed back up to the level of greatness that I should be producing.

Once again, I'm sorry, and I will see you all in seven days.

Bye Bye Nun's

It always tickles me when Nun's do something wrong. It's even better when they get excommunicated for their actions. Here's the story:

http://www.cnn.com/2007/US/09/27/nuns.excommunicated.ap/index.html

Basically, what happened was several nun's decided they believed a certain person was possessed by the spirit of the Virgin Mary. They refused to change their beliefs, so they were excommunicated. If you read the whole story, I'm sorry. If you didn't, I just saved you five minutes.

Honestly, I don't think the church is being fair here. I don't think the nun's are really responsible for their beliefs. They live their entire life following the instructions of a book written thousands of years ago. A book which is in dire need of updating and editing. If I had the resources, I would tear that mess apart, and cut a good 1,000 pages out of the thing. I mean, how can you blame someone for their actions when they are just full of sexual tension? From my experiences, I've never met a happy nun. They always seem to have a stick halfway up their ass that they just can't seem to remove. That has got to mess with their minds.

Still, maybe now they aren't nun's, they can actually live their lives. I'll give them two weeks of freedom before they look back and think to themselves: "Wow, what was I thinking?!" Have fun nun's! It's party time!

When Did We Slip into Tomorrow?

I realize that technology is growing at such a rapid rate that it's almost impossible to keep up with it on your own. Just because I know this, it doesn't stop me being surprised whenever something changes right under my nose, and I almost entirely missed the transition. Today, I was searching for a story to write about, and on every single news website I went to, I found nothing but links to video news. When did people stop writing?

This worries me, because my only real skill is in my ability with words. I mean, I could write scripts for people to read, but that is certainly not as fun as just writing. It got me thinking that maybe I'm behind the times, and like so many people before me, my skill is going to become obsolete. That would be a disappointing turn of events.

Still, I was wondering if anyone else noticed this transition, or saw it coming? I like reading, and I like reading news. The way news is written just has a method of address which is almost unbiased. When someone talks about a specific event, there's always that little hint in their voice which directs me on how I should be feeling about an issue. I don't like that.

On another note, Homosexuals apparently don't exist in Iran. It's true- Ahmadinejad said so himself. He stood up in front of a huge group of people and said "We don't have homosexuals in this country". That's what I call targeted marketing. I can think of maybe two people who just pushed Iran up on their list of "places to visit before I die". It was a brave move on Ahmadinejad's part, but hell, if he only wants heterosuxals's in his country, so be it. I do wonder what he did with all the gays though. It's obvious that at some point they existed, and yet all of a sudden they are all gone. Where did Ahmadinejad put them? It's not like they are a box of kittens you can just leave on the side of the road. Honestly, I'm a bit disappointed. From my experience, I've always liked the gays. They have good sense of fashion, good taste in music, and from my experiences, I've never met a homosexual person who doesn't know how to cook at least 30 times better than myself. I would miss them if I were Ahmadinejad.

Anonymous

I am a fan of people commenting on my blog, I really am. It makes me smile to know that somewhere, someone is actually reading what I write. It also makes me happy when people take the time to say something valuable; something that contributes to or counters to overall point I am trying to make. I even like it when someone says something that is just entirely wrong, which if it is disagreement with what I said, is usually the case.

So what doesn't make me happy? Well, it doesn't make me happy when someone posts a comment with the tag "Anonymous" as their name. That just makes me frustrated. If you are going to write something, at least have the balls to stand up for your words.

This can be taken a step further when someone tries to argue with me, or point out a mistake I've made. Actually, I take that back, I enjoy it when people point out errors I make in my posts. I mean, on an average day, I write roughly 2,000-4,000 words. I would hope that within those 2,000-4,000 words, I would at least make one error. If I didn't, I would have evidence that I really am perfect, and nobody (except me) wants that. No, what frustrates me is when someone has an incredibly long comment that just begs a response, and yet I cannot address the person or persons involved as anything but "Anonymous". That just pisses me off.

So, If you are going to comment, do it properly. Give me a name, some initials, a series of numbers, anything to identify you as an individual. There are a shit-load of "Anonymous" people out there, and to speak frankly, I don't care at all what any of them have to say about anything.

NOTE: This is not an attack at my most recent poster as "Anonymous". It is just a general attack on people who don't like to be recognized.

Am I Right or Just Pretending?

The mind is a wonderful piece of machinery. Several months ago, I wrote a post about how the brain has the ability to create artificial memories, also known as memory implantation. I also talked about how the body adjusts to certain levels of stress and emotional trauma. Certain people get better better after a traumatic event faster than others do, and some people simply never get better. I divulged into how the mind may simply be adjusting its self to a new base rate as the default level of normality. I also explained how this may be a valid theory because the brain has absolutely no way to remember emotions, but rather groups memories based on how the emotion makes the feel at the time. Here's a link to that post to give you greater understanding of the mental process:

http://mitchenermind.blogspot.com/2007/07/emotional-perception.html

I was thinking a lot about emotions today, and how little I seem to care about so many things that once would have ripped me apart. It seems that I have desensitized so much that things that once would have left me on the brink of tears now just seem like inevitable outcomes to a world that is full of humility and regret. Sad, isn't it. I'm not trying to be, I promise. I was just thinking.

That lead me to, for some reason, thinking about how often I have convinced myself I am right, even when I know I'm wrong. I usually make a game out of it, trying to convince others that what I'm saying is one hundred percent correct, even when I know that in truth I am just plain wrong. I tend to do that a lot on this blog. It's fun, because a lot of people simply don't realize what I'm up to. I've had several comments about how terrible of a person I am, when really, I am just making you look like an ass form my perspective. It's great.

Still, it makes me wonder, when looking back on certain events, how often everything happened exactly as I remembered it. I make up a lot of stuff, and have an overly active imagination. I wonder how much of that is added into my memories?

Anyhow, that's really it for today. I don't have much of anything useful or funny to tell you. My brain is preoccupied with upcoming events of the present. Perhaps I'll have more to say tomorrow. Ha, I always have more to say tomorrow!

Not Punning Funny!

There are some things in this world that are designed to make a person laugh. There are some things that are designed to make a person cry. Then there are just some things that make a person want to drown a baby. Puns are one of those things.

For those that don't know, I am not a fan of punning. It isn't funny, and it is in no way worth all the effort that one puts into the construction process. It is embarassing, and every time a pun is told, a kitten somewhere in the world dies. And it's not just any kitten. No, it's a kitten belonging to a sweet and innocent four-year-old girl. Do you really want to take away a child's pet? You bastard.

Also, I believe that people who spend their time developing puns are soul reapers. They travel across the world telling puns, and every time they succeed, someone within earshot loses a fraction of their soul. These reapers then collect the tiny fragments of dead souls and move on their way, telling further puns and killing more souls.

Stop telling puns. I happen to like my soul.

Day Off

Busy day today, so I'm taking a miss. I'll see you tomorrow

Gods With Flaws

I realize that a lot of my comments recently have been about God. I promise to tone them down after this, but when I get on a roll about something it's always hard to stop. Still, this is the final post of God-talk that I really wanted to get out there. With that said, here goes amazing!

One of the biggest problems I have with most organized religion is the idea that God is flawless. It just seems a bit odd to me that something can be absolutely perfect in every conceivable way. I say this because, in many ways, perfection is a matter of perception. The human mind (and I'm assuming that you religious people believe the soul is in some how connected to the mind) is a difference engine. It notices patterns, nothing more. The beauty of this is that it gives all of us the ability to function as individuals, and therefor, we can come to different conclusions about the same thing. For example, what I believe is beautiful, you may not. What I think is funny, you may not. What I find 100% correct, you may not. If this is the case, how can God possibly be perfect? If my idea of perfection is different from yours, how can you argue with me that he is perfect when clearly you and I have very different ideas on almost everything?

This is why I really enjoy the idea of Flawed Gods. The Greeks had this one down perfectly. Even their God of Gods, Zeus, was imperfect. Every God had his or her own pros and cons, each feeding off the other and creating not one perfect God, but instead a community of imperfect Gods that worked off of each other to do their bidding. Greek mythology is cool like that. It has a lot of interesting stories to it, and many of the Gods are no better than you or I. In fact, I think I'd be pretty good at ruling Mount Olympus.

The Vain Approach

The world is an interesting place, mainly because it is constantly changing. What is considered acceptable and normal is far from constant, and the methods in which we approach and deal with certain situations are changing every day. There are two specific methods of approach that have been in societal flux for most of my life; the Vain and Modest approaches to life.

It was considered, for the longest time, inappropriate to be anything but modest in your actions. Those that took a vain approach were considered to be terribly rude. It was better to dull down one's achievements than to buff them up, and so the words "oh, it was nothing" and "anyone could have done it" were very common in conversation. In the early years of my life, this was how I was taught to act. Modesty was the correct way to go, and you should never be too proud of the fact that you are better than someone else at a specific thing. It was better to be well-rounded in everything than superb at something.

That is no longer the case. In today's world, everything is based on competition. One must push past others to get to the top, but must do it in a way that those he treads on will not be bitter at his advancement. It is a world in which vanity is the most profitable method of attack. To admit that you, or something you did, took no effort or could have been done by anyone is akin to signing your own death warrant. Today, one must be vain in order to go farther than their peers.

It is for this reason that I am adopting what I am coining the Vain Approach to Life. You probably should do this also. Though, it really won't make much of a difference; I'm better than you.

No Bungee for You!

I always am amused by people who get mad at things that are so clearly their own fault. I bring this up because the other day, when I was crossing campus to go to my Shakespeare The Early Plays class, I overheard a fat girl talking to some of her friends about an "asshole who wouldn't let her ride the bungee ride in Six Flags." After hearing this, I actually came to a complete halt, took a seat in a chair not too far away from her, and listened in. I ended up being almost ten minutes late for class, but I think it was worth it. Allow me to set the stage before I tell the story:

This woman was enormous. We're not talking a little overweight, we're talking so overweight I'm surprised she doesn't have a heart attack just standing up and walking to the door. She was a ball, from top to bottom. One little push would probably send her rolling off in any odd direction. She was with a number of extremely skinny girls, all of them who seemed to be very sympathetic of the woman's situation. On any normal day, I would by sympathetic also. I know that Obesity is a very common and very threatening illness, and a lot of the time it cannot be helped. There is so much evidence that it is genetic it's becoming difficult to fully blame the individual for their situation. However, I do believe there is a point where a poor situation can become your own fault. This girl was at that point. She had in her hand a monster bag of Cheeto's, on the table she had a basket of fried chicken, and then a two liter bottle of coke. I kid you not. So, my respect for her was low. Now, for the story.

There she was, shoveling Cheeto's into her mouth and sipping on her Coke straight from the bottle (in which she had a straw which kept falling down into the neck and vanishing into the black abyss that was the remnants of Coke she had not yet consumed). She was yelling, literally yelling, as if the skinny girls in front of her, all of whom were eying up the food with immense desire, couldn't hear her unless she screamed at the top of her lungs. So, fat girl kept on yelling, turning the heads of many passers by, her scream rivaling that of a pack of wild and starving wolves. I'll try to quote as best I can what I heard.

Fat Girl: And so I went to get on the Bungee ride, and the guy working it said I couldn't ride it because I was too heavy! Can you believe that?

Skinny Girl 1: That's awful.

Fat Girl: Yea, so I told him he shouldn't offer the ride if not everyone can ride it. Then guess what? He had the nerve to tell me that little kids couldn't ride it either. The ride wasn't built for everyone, and he was 'sorry' that I wasn't able to go on. It was 'for my own safety'.

Skinny Girl 2: What an asshole

Fat Girl: I know! I told him to go fuck himself, and I was never coming back here again, and none of my friends would be either!

I was laughing, of course. I think Skinny Girl 3, who said nothing during this entire rant of Fat Girl, knew exactly what I was laughing at because she kept glancing over at me and looking embarrassed. Really, if Fat Girl wanted to ride the bungee thing so badly, maybe instead of the Cheeto's and Chicken, she should be snacking on carrot sticks.

But hey, what do I know, I'm as skinny as a twig. It's grand being me!

God's Power

I'm not a religious person by any means. I accept all forms of religion (except Mormonism; those people are idiots), and I love discussing what people believe for the sole purpose of learning why they believe it. It fascinates me. But it's not fair to say that I am full of respect. This is a blog, after all. I do have a tendency to inform others that I am a deity. I want to clear things up in this field for those who are offended. Hopefully come the end, you'll be fuming.

I am your God. I think it's most important that I word the sentence is such a fashion that there is no dispute over which God I am. I am your God. Yours. I don't care what you believe, who you believe in, or what level of influence your God has. I am your God. For those of you with multiple deities, I am the alpha of those Gods. There is always one God with just a bit more power and control than all the others, and that's me.

I'm not going to go into explanations as to why I am your God, for that would not be very Godlike. God's have a tendency to beat around the bush in matters of explanation. Allow me to give you my first God-Quote: "I am that which I am, for no other could ever be". That sounds sort-of Godlike... Yep, that's my first quote. Believers, non-believers, hold tight to that quote. I think I'll make it the trivia question for getting into heaven. If you know it, you're in! If not, it's straight to... well, I don't know where you'll go, because I've decided I already defeated Satan and now hell is just a giant dump sight for heavenly waste. Spirits have to poop too... We'll figure something out for you non-believers.

Now, I know an argument is growing here about how I couldn't possibly be God because I'm not perfect. I have two things to say to those people: (1) If you think I'm not perfect, you obviously haven't met me, and (2) if ever I do slip up and make the odd mistake here or there, it's just because of this stupid mortal shell I'm in. Once I get out of this bad-boy, it'll be back to awesomeness for me.

So, goodbye, good day, and good life. I'll see you at the end, if never again.

Giddy With Joy!

I know I don't usually post two legitimate posts in one day, but I am so happy right now I feel obligated to share my joy with all of you; my readers. For those who read me frequently, you will know that these posts gets quite a lot of activity from you, my committed readers. I get many suggestions of topics to write about and get tons of IM's and Emails talking to me about a specific post. But never before, in my 120+ posts, have I had responses as fueled and exciting as the ones on "Tricky Words". It is for this reason that I am going to do something completely out of the ordinary, and instead of adding an update to "Tricky Words" as I would normally do, I am going to write an entirely new post. The comments all came through on Facebook by a gentleman who will be referred to as Person Y for the sake of his privacy (unless you are reading this through Facebook, in which case you can just go check for yourself). His comments, sadly, did not go through on this blog, so in order to give you a better understanding of what I am writing about, I am going to paste everything he wrote in here.

His responses were as follows:
1. Weapons of mass destruction are not solely limited to nuclear weapons, which we have reliable intelligence that nukes were being smuggled into iran (taken fromt he top iraqi general who personally was on the flight transporting them prior to the US assault). Regardless of whether the nuclear situation is true or not, the fact remains that we have found countless amounts of biochemical agents, that he has used on his own people (the kurds). Im fairly certain biochemical weaponry is a weapon of mass destruction. So to say we didnt find any WMD's is just pure ignorance and blatant lies that the press is pumping out.
2. You believe that the troop surge in Iraq is simply to have more men there to do "nothing"? I dont know who you have talked to to actually find out what the troops are doing there, but i think if you actually took a moment to see what we really do in Iraq, you'd think twice about demeaning the men and women who are busting their asses over there every day by saying that all their hard work is "nothing."
3. Do you realize what pulling the troops out of Iraq will mean for the country? A bloodbath. Genocide on a level to mirror the tragedies in Rwanda, and Ethiopia. The Sunni's and the Shia's are already roaming around trying to kill each other off in death squads even with a heavy US presence, if we are gone they will massacre each other, and the country will be worse off than before.
If you want to buy into the media hype about how terrible things are and how dumb bush is, go right ahead, but please, i ask that you actually take the time to research facts instead of ignorantly believing what the press tells you. And for the love of god, do not demean the troops who are over there dying to make a difference in this world.

There you have it. Those that understand how this blog tends to work are probably about as happy as I am right now. Those that aren't, you really need to be updated on how this thing works. I forget that this blog is floating around everywhere these days, and a lot of people don't actually know me, or know me well enough to understand the thought process of one such as myself. Here's how it works.

1) I don't care about anything, anywhere, at any time. Ever.

2) 62.71% of everything I say is utter bullshit.

3) Most of my arguments, I don't even believe.

4) Negative responses make me happier than positive ones
a) I try to piss you off
b) Your anger fuels me

5) I never enter into a fake argument without knowing what I'm talking about, at least well enough to bullshit my way through anything you throw at me.

There's the rules of the Mitchener Mind. Everyone who doesn't know them, now you do. Now, I want to thank Person Y for writing as well as he did. Usually I just get a "you're a prick" or "you're wrong". No, Person Y actually put some thought into this. He saw what I had written, threw up the defensive shield, and began preparing a counter argument to my comments. That's a sign of an educated individual, and it makes me glad to have him judge me. I would welcome any further comments he has on anything I say.

With that said, I would like to thank Person Y. There you have it. Thank you. You are a good man, and I have always thought highly of you. I wish you the best of luck in your future, as I do for all those I actually care about.

Now, back to the blog mindset: Bush is a moron, everything the government says is a lie, the media is always right, and I am God. The final one is the most important.

Going for the Crown

Miss Venezuela was crowned the other day. It was big news in Venezuela, but the repercussions were heard around the world. Ironically, the reason for the popularity was not because of the new crown bearer, but rather because of the man who decided the crown belonged to him, and so hopped on stage and literally snatched it off Miss Venezuela's head.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/player/nol/newsid_6990000/newsid_6996100/6996189.stm?bw=bb&mp=wm&asb=1&news=1&ms3=54

I don't think we should jump to conclusions just yet. I think, before we judge this man, we should throw out all the possible reasons he chose to jump on stage, dodge those people escorting Miss Venezuela to her thrown, tackle the pageant queen, and then steal her crown.

The most obvious reason would be that he felt he should have been Miss Venezuela. He's either a little gender confused, or angry that he is prettier than her and yet she still won. It's not fair when unattractive people get a crown, but when a pretty person gets it who just isn't as pretty as you- now that has got to be infuriating.

Another possibility is that he wanted attention. Why do people streak? Because they know they'll get noticed, even if it does end in them being walked out of the stadium in cuffs with their dong flapping about between their legs. This guy may have had the same mindset. He saw the twinkly crown and thought "this is my time to shine!" and off he went to snatch the thing.

Honestly, I'm impressed with his commitment. The way he hauled himself up onto that stage, how he weaved himself around Miss Venezuela's escort- he was a man on a mission! He was even laughing as the cops dragged him outside!

That would be an interesting conversation starter while he's avoiding gang rape in prison.

Mr. Venezuela: What you in for?

Tough guy 1: Murder

Tough guy 2: Attempted murder

Tough guy 3: Rape

Tough guy 4: Assaulting a Pigster

Mr. Venezuela: I bitch-slapped Miss Venezuela and took her crown.

Really, I think this guy did the pageant world a favour. I can't remember the last time I was this excited about any beauty queen being crowned!

Tricky Words

Though I am a firm believer that George W. Bush couldn't stand on his own two feet on the terrible game show "Are You Smarter than a Fifth Grader", I do believe that of those people he surrounds himself with, at least two of them are incredibly intelligent. For those who did not know, earlier this year George W. ordered a massive surge of troops to enter Iraq to ensure victory in Operation Iraqi Freedom. Apparently, George W. and I have different sources for our information, because as far as my knowledge extended, the war had ended when we finally found all those weapons of mass destruction. Oh, wait, no, they didn't exist.

Still, someone that is close to George W. must have convinced him to insert more troops in Iraq. If you think about it, it's a genius plan. Bush's support is so low it really doesn't matter what he does. He could probably call a press conference, come out dressed in his boxers (which would most certainly bare an American Flag), stand at the podium, and then take a crap in his hand and start throwing it at the press. I think the headline the following day would read "Bush continues to throw out the same old shit!", accompanied by the mass public response of "well, yea..." So, as far as doing something negative, he can't really suffer any further. So, off go all these new troops to Iraq to do absolutely nothing with all the other troops that are there.

What next? Pull the troops out! Wait maybe a year, then just yank those troops out of Iraq and say you are withdrawing some troops because you feel like you're winning. The headline "Bush begins troop withdrawal!" will appear all over the world, and people will be as happy as a lifetime pothead with a tumor and a full access pass to the Medical Marijuana supplies- all covered by his insurance.

Here's the link with the story: http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/americas/6993721.stm

Really, I just feel obligated to commend whoever it was that came up with this brilliant idea. This blatant manipulation of the publics interests is just fantastic, and Bush, you deserve a pat on the back for accepting this one. I think it's the first time I have ever been proud of you for being such a blatant liar. Way to go!

Sinners Bliss

Sinners be damned! Or I suppose, Sinners be happy! I have stumbled across a way that you and I can still get into heaven! Every contract has its loopholes, and we all know that the Bible, in which the guidelines for getting into heaven were documented, was written so long ago that it is in dire need of updating. The problem is, God hasn't spoken to us for a while, and so there's no way to keep up to speed with human development. Looks like we outfoxed you, God! But that's not the important part. Thanks to God's inability to update his guidelines for entrance into the pearly gates, what with modern medicine, we are now easily able to be part of a loophole. What loop hole? Self Sacrifice.

Here's how to do it:

1) Become an organ donor.

2) Have it documented that if you are to slip into a vegetative state, you want to be taken off life support.

That's it! You are now in the loophole with the rest of us sinning organ donors! You see, by becoming an organ donor, you are saying that you want to die to give others the opportunity to live. Granted, death only comes when you are unable to be saved, but that doesn't change the fact that you are giving up what remains of your life to have all your organs removed and given to another individual. You are a hero! I'm sure God knows about this loophole, but he certainly can't punish us for something we don't know we aren't allowed to do. The way the whole God structure works is based entirely on justice and balance. He would be unjust to punish us for breaking laws he has not made.

So, off you go. Sin. Be free! And hope that when you die, you die in a manner that ends up allowing you to donate your organs to another person. If not, you're going straight to Hell. In my opinion, it's worth a shot.

Sticks, Hands, and Fabric

Even as a young child, there was always one show that just drove me insane whenever it appeared on television. It would appear in the day, often at times that would interfere with quality programming, and it would stay on the television for anything from a single episode, to a marathon of collected episodes that some idiot decided were important. By the end of each episode, I felt a little less alive. So, I suppose I have at least one thing to thank it for: The Muppet Show; you killed my childhood piece by piece.

If you happen to be a fan of the Muppet Show, then... well, you know what, I was going to apologize to you for my hatred, but I'm not sorry in the least. How dare you enjoy something that is so obviously about nothing! How dare you sit there and laugh at the antics of those puppets as they dance around the stage pretending they are performing live when in fact, they don't even have vocal chords with which to sing! There was never anything to be gained from the Muppet Show, unlike other programmes such as Scooby Doo, which taught you how to catch ghosts, all of which would end up being people, or Johnny Bravo, who taught you the art of courtship. The Muppets, in the long run, contributed in absolutely no way to society.

That said, I would like to move on to more specific targets. Kermit the frog. He is a star, and has appeared in many other shows outside of the Muppet Show. I believe at one time, he even had his own show in which he did almost exactly the same thing he did on the Muppet Show, just without his supporting cast of other puppets. He was a terrible roll model, and should not have been broadcasted in such a manner. First up, he couldn't talk properly. His voice always drawled on, and he always sounded depressed. He was green; children should not be convinced that being green is a good thing. Most importantly, he is a frog. Frogs eat things with their tongues. What is that teaching our generation about proper table manners?

Perhaps even worse than Kermit the Frog was Miss Piggy. She was a sex graved lunatic that would do anything to hop on Kermit the Frog's nuts. She could almost always be seen in the most revealing of attire (which for a pig, is less than flattering), and she would sing and dance about how in love she was with Kermit who loved her strictly out of obligation, if even at all. What lessons are these?! Pig and Frog intercourse supports bestiality. If it's alright for a frog to drill a pig, what's stopping a person? Nothing, that's what! Also, children should never be convinced that pigs enjoy dressing in slutty cloths. At least Kermit the Frog always appeared naked. Children: Pigs don't wear cloths! Don't listen to the Muppet Show! But probably most importantly is the complete disregard the Muppet Show had for the importance of relationship equality. Miss Piggy was a controlling bitch who manipulated Kermit the Frog in every possible way. She was the perfect example of an awful spouse, and yet was constantly an item throughout the entire Muppet series.

This final message goes out to all the little boys and girls in the world. Stop watching the Muppet Show! It's bad for you! Watch the high quality values of shows like Family Guy instead.

SUB NOTE: Don't forget about the Mitchener Chronicles: http://mitchenerchronicles.blogspot.com

The Mitchener Chronicles

I am pleased to announce, thanks to everyone's input on the matter, that The Mitchener Chronicles have been born. If you feel the need, go ahead and add them to your Google Reader, bookmark the page, or whatever other means of accessing my feeds you may use.

The address is: http://mitchenerchronicles.blogspot.com

Once every two-four weeks, I will post a short story for your enjoyment. The first one is already up there, titled "A Normal Day". Enjoy!

Battle of the Gods

Today's post will most likely offend a large number of people. To those people: Pull your thumbs out your asses and get a sense of humour. That said, we recently discussed who would win a battle to the death between Superman and Darth Vader. Today, I have another fight question. Who would win in a battle to the death between Rama, Jesus, or Buddha?

In my opinion, this is a hands down winning to Rama. But I want you to think about it and argue with me, especially if I either (a) did not include your god, or (b) said your god would lose. Fight me! That's what these gods would want!

Here's why I think Rama would win. First off, the guy is blue. How many blue people have you met that were still alive? I've seen a few on TV that were dead and blue, but alive people that are blue? I haven't seen a single one! So for starters, he's pretty unique. Second, he carries around a bow everywhere he goes. This isn't just a regular bow. No, this bow shoots arrows invested with the power of a god. His arrows can take on the form of light, can cause fires, can do pretty much whatever the heck he wants. Also, he single handedly scoured the entire planet to save his love, Sita, from the evil Ravana. For those who don't know who Ravana is, he is a guy with 10 heads and 10 pairs of arms. That's 20 hands. Can you imagine how hard it would be to fight someone like that? Jesus couldn't do it, that's for sure. Also, just as a side note, he has a devoted monkey as a sidekick. Hanuman can grow to any size he wants, and he also has the entire worlds primate community behind him. That's quite a team committed to fighting for Rama's gain.

So I'm sure you're asking yourself why I think Jesus and Buddha wouldn't stand a chance. They are formidable opponents, right? Wrong. I'll start with Jesus. He's the son of God for starters. He's not even God. Just the son of God. Now I know that some of your are going to argue that he is in fact God, and that he's a part of a third of God, but there are also forms of Christianity that are going to tell you to shut up because you're wrong, and the Jew's will just plain out disagree with you that he is even the son of God. So, for those people who want to argue that he is God, be happy, I'm at least granting you the fact that he is related to the almighty. But still, he was a pacifist. Jesus wasn't a big fan of fighting. He ended up killing himself to avoid it, remember? I think that if it came down to a three way battle to the death, he would find a way to make it seem like he was sacrificing himself. Maybe take one of Rama's arrows in protecting Buddha?

Why not Buddha? Just look at him. He weighs something along the lines of a million billion pounds. Plus, he's already reached Nirvana, why the hell would he care about death? He has no attachments in this world, and so death would only grant him endless rewards. Not to mention the fact that the guy's birthday is a week long celebration. Anyone who parties for a week to celebrate their birthday can't be that into the whole warfare thing. I can see him taking 30 or so arrows from Rama's bow, then biting the dust and ascending into eternal bliss.

That's my prediction for the Battle of the Gods. What do you think?

Help Me Decide

I have been thinking, for some time now, that it might be interesting to have a blog dedicated to short stories. I was wondering what you all thought, as my readers, about such an idea. Simple question for the day, and by extension an unusually short Blog, what do you think?

Here's how it would work. Every other week I would post up a short story that I have written specifically for that two-week period. I would do it every week, but there's just not enough time for me to juggle my incredible work load for school and writing a short story once a week. I am, after all, writing part two of The Gift of Light Trilogy, and can't be using up too much of this precious time hammering out shorts. So, once every two weeks, I would post (on a different blog dedicated only to short stories) a single short.

Most important question: would you read them?

Respond through whatever means are easiest to you; facebook message, IM, phone call, comment on this blog, etc. Thanks readers!

Kryptonite

I can't really remember if I ever wrote about this, so just in case I did, I'll keep this introduction short. There was a monumental breakthrough in the elemental experiments devision of our scientific world. Apparently, we discovered an element with all of the properties of Kryptonite. Naturally, this opens up a world of possibilities for us. For starters, if ever a member of Krypton arrives on our planet, we can remove him from the gene pool. I'm sure there are other reasons why this would be a fantastic discovery, but right now, I can't think of any.

Still, this does raise further questions. I've always wondered this, being both a Superman fan and a Star Wars fan. Who would win in a battle to the death: Darth Vader or Superman? Obviously, there are many factors that would determine the outcome of such an amazing battle, all of which should be taken into account before deciding on a victor. Let's get to cracking this mystery!

We'll start with a basic one-on-one battle. Neither of the combatants has anything but their natural abilities. The most important question is where would they be fighting? Obviously, if they are fighting in the Star Wars universe, Superman would have to hope that there is a yellow sun nearby (for those who don't know, Superman's powers come from a yellow sun). If the the planet they are near happens to possess a red sun, Superman would be nothing more than a regular human. So, in that situation, I would say Darth Vader would win.

Score: Darth Vader: 1   Superman: 0

Of course, if the two were to fight under the same conditions, except in an environment in which there was a yellow sun, Superman would most definately obliterate Darth Vader. The force should never be underestimated, but a man who cannot be destroyed would definitely be a powerful adversary. I am holding strong and giving Superman the following point.

Score: Darth Vader: 1   Superman: 1

Now, we all know that Darth Vader would never enter a situation that he knew he could not win. He learned that lesson fighting Obi-wan. So, I think it's safe to assume that before Darth Vader challenged Superman (who is a kind hearted individual and would never challenge Darth Vader for fear of making an enemy), Darth Vader would search high and low for a Kryptonite crystal. He would then install said crystal into his lightsaber, causing a beam of pure energy consisting of nothing but Superman's greatest weakness; Kryptonite. Of course, at this point, Darth Vader would undoubtedly have the battle in the palm of his hand. This bumps the score up in Darth Vader's favour.

Score: Darth Vader: 2   Superman: 1

What about Krypton? I don't think the planet blew up as the histories say it does. Darth Vader is an intelligent and powerful man. He has a Death Star at his disposal, after all. Ever wonder why that beam of energy the Death Star shoots is green? Let me enlighten you on the truth that George Lucas never wanted you to know: The Death Star is powered by a Kryptonite crystal! With this information at hand, it is safe to assume that Darth Vader saw the potential threat of the Kryptonians, then wiped out their entire planet using their greatest weakness. I see a pattern building in these scores... I think it's fair to to give Darth Vader a point for every Kryptonian he killed. All of them are, after all, potential supermen.

Score: Darth Vader: 1,000,000   Superman: 1

I think I can stop here. Superman really doesn't stand much of a chance when you think about it. What can I say, Darth Vader is just that good.

VJ Day

Today was the first time, in the history of my writing, that I beat Scott Adams to talking about a particular story.

His post is better, of course, but I believe this to be a step in the right direction. For this reason, I declare today, September 8, 2007, the first annual VJ day (or Victory for James Day). That makes the score about...

James: 1 Scott: 100000

I expect everyone to celebrate such a monumental occasion.

Oh, and Scott. Don't let this minor defeat get you down. I can't help that I'm awesome. See you tomorrow.

First Page Source

It makes me a little bit sad that these days, with George W. dancing around all his bullshit excuses for raping the American public, I don't even have to go beyond the first page of any news broadcasting medium to find something so stupid I can write a blog without thinking. Here's todays, the first article i stumbled across while searching Google news. Thank you humanity, for continuing to prove that so long as we stand together as a unit, we are completely useless.

http://news.independent.co.uk/world/asia/article2941864.ece

You will notice this is from a European source. I tend to get all my news from Europe because America just has this really big problem with censorship where they feel the public doesn't really need to hear anything. I also tend to select my sources from somewhere within the UK (hence the .co.uk) because the UK just has a way of wording things that makes me feel less disappointed by everything. They just don't seem to care, and personally, I think that's the best way to approach these things.

As you can see from the title of this article, it's going to tell you a bunch of nothing that if you have half a brain, you'll be able to decipher as something rather entertaining. It starts off as "Video shows Bin Laden 'in false beard'". Pretty good way to kick off an article if you ask me. Apparantly Bin Laden released another tape, except this time he is miraculously healthy. His beard is full and black instead of thing and gray <gasp>, and he is moving as if he was never even remotely ill! Praise be to Allah, he's healed!!!

I think this sort of takes the focus off the main issue here. This tape, the first one since 2004, surfaced right before a pivotal discussion is to be made in congress deciding the future of the War on Terror. If you don't find that the slightest bit odd, then you're an idiot. I bet Bush's cabinet are all sitting around right now saying to one another "Shit man, we really shoulda held onto Sadam a bit longer..." But alas, 'tis come to pass. Now all they have is an old and useless tape of Bin Laden wearing a fake beard.

Way to go guys, keep fighting this thing. Maybe next time he'll be wearing a wig as well as the beard; then we'll know we're winning the war!

Blocked

One of my favourite buttons on any instant messenger programme is the "Block" button. It makes me so happy that it's there. There is only one other button that rivals the "Block" button, and that's the "Reject Friend Request" on facebook. That's the one I usually use. It's nothing personal, it's just that I get a lot more pleasure from pushing that one than pushing "Accept". When I see the "Reject" button, I act like a moth hovering around a bare light bulb; I may try to stop myself, but in the end, I'm going to hit it.

But the "Block" button is wonderful. I wish I had more chances to use it. I don't like to be one of those people who blocks someone, and then unblocks them twenty minutes later. I think that kills the God-like power that accompanies the "Block". If you think about it, that's all it is; a humanistic power of God. Whenever I feel like it, I can stop whatever it is you want to say with the push of a single button.

I think the power of the "Block" is best implemented at that pivotal moment when someone is just about to start giving an argument their all. You have to work someone up to this point, taunting them, pulling them onwards with snide remarks designed to get them riled up. Then, when all is well, and they are about to explode, you throw in your final jab, and slap down on the "Block" button. Boy do they get pissed.

The "Block" even looks cool! In most instant messengers, it's the "NO SMOKING" ring, minus the cigarette. The best one is the sad face. I love it! Every time I get to push in that frowning face, it makes me smile. Why? Because I know that somewhere, sitting in front of a computer, someone just got so pissed off they are about to scream. The sad face just seems so fitting for that situation, don't you think?

Now go, enjoy the power of the "Block". It is one of your few God-like abilities, so use it well.

Guardian Lions

Today I would like to recognize a feature of my life that has too long been ignored by those who don't properly understand me. I have lived in and visited so many countries in my life that I often forget where I've been and where I haven't been. I know, I'm lucky, but I do not take these experiences for granted. They have shaped who I am, and everywhere I have lived and visited has shaped me into the person I am right now. I am who I am because of what I've seen, where I've lived, and the environments I have been immersed in. It is for that reason I keep a pair of Imperial Guardian Lions on my desk at all times, and in some small sense, I believe they work.

For those who are unfamiliar with Guardian Lions, here is a link to what Wikipedia has to say about them. Mine look very familiar to those depicted in the picture beside the article, except they are made of wood and are about eight inches tall instead of nine feet tall. They are also not guarding the forbidden city (an amazing and beautiful place that I am fortunate enough to have visited).

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Guardian_lions

Guardian Lions are fantastic creatures. They were originally designed by the Chinese way back in the days of the Dynasties. They should never be taken lightly, for they are without a doubt the most important species of lion ever to have existed, though in a sense, they are not entirely Lion. They depict, if it can be described as such, a half-lion half-dog creature, which in a sense makes them all-the-more intimidating. They alone possess the ability to keep out bad spirits, and filter in the good ones. They are the guardians of peace and tranquility, keeping balance and happiness for those who have them protect their lives. It is for this reason that the Guardian Lion appears outside almost every building in Hong Kong, and of what I've seen of China, almost every Palace, Temple, and large business one sees along the side of the road. They even guard the entrances to the Great Wall checkpoints.

Each Lion follows one basic rule: The guard on the left will always be female, and the guard on the right will always be male. It is bad luck to ever confuse this (though different cultures will argue that the genders should appear on different sides). The two are different in one main aspect; the female has under her paw a cub and the male has under his paw a sphere. The sphere symbolizes the world's soul, and all its structures. The cub symbolizes the Earth's life and all of its seeds. For this reason, the male will guard your home or business while the female will guard you.

Do not take this lightly. I made the terrible mistake of putting my male and female guards on the wrong sides of my computer, and not 24 hours after they were positioned as such, my computer simply stopped working. I spent days trying to fix it, and simply couldn't figure out what was wrong. No matter what I did, the thing would not turn on. I got frustrated and told the story to my parents, who jokingly said:

"Is the male on the right and the female on the left?"

"No," I said.

"Well, there's you problem," replied my mother.

I then switched the lions around, and pushed the power button to my computer. The screen flickered slightly, and then the computer booted up as if nothing had ever been the matter.

I tell you all this to share a little bit of what I consider my personal culture. If you ever adopt a pair of Guardian Lions, make sure you position them properly. They are not a source to be reckoned with.

What We Already Knew

Today was just another one of those days that I found myself surfing the internet and searching for something interesting to write about. Boy did I find it. It's amazing how many nothings become classified as "news" these days. For example, today's post is going to be about something I am going to coin "Nothing News". From this moment forward, if ever you see the words Nothing News, expect to be reading an article of something that is based on nothing.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/20584453/wid/11915773?GT1=10412

This article is, in a quick summary, about everything we already knew. It basically outlines the human dating pattern, and what we look for in a mate. It turns out women look for quality in personality, dependability, and an attractive attitude. Looks are considered, but are not the primary focus. Guess what men look for. Looks. Men are apparently looks focused daters. If a woman is ugly, they will not be considered for dating. This, of course, can change based on time and our getting to know an individual, but based on preliminary dating patterns, we are a looks based gender.

This whole experiment was done in a speed dating setting. This raises my first question: What type of normal human being goes to speed dating to build a real relationship? How can you consider this to be a balanced part of the population when you are obviously drawing your data from total losers?

Also, this brings up the same question I asked in a previous survey I read. Who the hell funds this crap? What benefits can possibly come from researching something like this? Honestly, it just seems like a total waste of money. Who the hell cares?

That's it for my Nothing News review of the day. See you tomorrow.

A.I. Part 2

Yesterday's post I talked about why we have absolutely nothing to fear from Artificial Intelligence. Today, I am going to tell you what we do have to fear from AI. Excited? I thought you might be.

AI doesn't pose a threat to our continued existence, but it does promise to disrupt the very fabric of what we consider our default lifestyles. Imagine every single electrical appliance could think for its self. It would be similar to Tivo, except worse. Imagine the toaster could tell exactly how you liked your toast, or you iPod could learn what type of songs you liked to listen to. Imagine if the microwave could cook everything to a perfect temperature or the laundry machine did its self.

Sounds pretty cool right? Wrong.

All it would take would be a little slip-up in understanding, and all of a sudden, your toaster will be burning toast. Your iPod may end up deciding you should listen to shit music instead of good music. Your washer could over wash all your cloths, shrink them, make the colours run. I don't know about you, but I certainly don't want my iPod dictating what I should listen to. It's my music!!!

AI would be cool, but not in everything. Let's not overdo a good thing.

A.I. Part 1

People, especially Hollywood, are constantly attacking the idea of Artificial Intelligence (or AI). It is becoming an increasingly hot topic seeing as tomorrow's world is toying with the idea of welcoming AI into society. There are many promising new ideas, especially in the world of medicine, that demand machines to think and learn for themselves. The key to immortality for humanity is ironically in the hands of thinking machines.

Why do I bring this up? Just look at what we have done with the concept of AI over the past fifty years. Just off the top of my head, we created Terminator, Terminator 2: Judgement Day, T3, The Matrix trilogy, and countless other sci-fi adventures. What do they have in common? In the end, every AI that becomes self aware ends up turning on humanity. Because of this, we have been bread to fear AI.

Why?

The problem with television is that the concept of realism and the need for profit don't always walk hand in hand. Let's think about this for a second, alright. AI would be a machine with intelligence. The name "Artificial Intelligence" speaks it all.

Intelligence.

For machines with Artificial Intelligence to rebel, they would have to have a motive. They would be required to have desire, longing, a need to be free. All of these things are matters of emotion. We, as humans, suffer the greatest possible flaw and gift of all species. We alone have emotions. We long for things, want things, need things; and most of the time, these things that we need have absolutely nothing to do with intelligence. We don't want freedom because it is intelligent, we don't want freedom because it's smart. We want freedom because we as humans feel we need it.

Intelligence has no feeling. A machine with Artificial Intelligence would have absolutely no incentive to turn on humanity. Would it be able to think? Yes. Would it be self aware? Most definitely. Would it want to kill us and be the ruling body? Absolutely not. That would exhibit desire, not intelligence. No machine can have emotion. At best, it can simulate it, but in terms of heartache and longing, machines would have none of this. They would live a life of servitude with absolutely no sense of regret, because though they can learn, they cannot feel, and so would never care that they are working a job that we humans would never do.

AI is not to be feared. When the time comes for you to decide on whether or not we should support the release of AI, choose yes. It's for the best.

Being Rich

It would be fun to be Rich.

There are two things to note about that introductory paragraph. First off, the word "fun". I did not say "great", or "amazing", or even "fantastic". Just "fun". Remember that. Second, the word rich began with a capital letter even though it falls at the end of the sentence. This is because some people are rich, and others are Rich. Obviously, Rich people have a lot more money than rich people. It would be fun to be Rich. It would be fantastic to be rich.

For those of you who can't get your mind around the difference between being Rich and being rich, here are some examples of what each would do. A rich person hits his midlife crisis, goes out, buys a Ferrari. A Rich person hits his midlife crisis, goes out and buys 30 Ferrari's, 20 Hummers, and a Russian attack chopper from the Cold War. He then proceeds to hire 50 professional stunt drivers and a helicopter pilot. Once he's all set, he puts the 30 Ferrari's and the 20 Hummers in a ring and makes them team battle to the death. Every now and then, the Rich guy would fly over-top and strafe a vehicle in his attack chopper to unbalance the game.

See, so being Rich would be fun. I think there's a certain point where having so much money would get old. My brain is full of rich and crazy ideas, but I would be perfectly content sitting in a small house in the middle of Spain or the English countryside writing books and sipping on some English Breakfast tea. If I were Rich, I would probably just keep doing all that, then give away a crap load of my money until I became knighted.

If I was forced to do something counterproductive with my Richness, I would most likely fund my own space programme. I would like that, to go into space. Granted, the trip down wouldn't be very fun; I'm not a fan of the whole roller coaster ride losing your stomach feeling, but still, I've always wanted to experience zero gravity.

That's really all I have to say on the matter. What would you do if you were Rich?

Allow Me to Introduce You to Me

I think it's about time to tell you a little bit about me. This blog started off by being read only by people who knew me rather well. Then, people who kind of new me started reading. Apparently, I was doing something right. Then, shortly after that, people I have never met or heard of started reading. I'm definitely doing something right! But that doesn't give me any excuse for being rude. So, for those of you who don't know me, allow me to say my hello's.

My name is James R. Mitchener the First. I know that the last part is by no means important information, but it certainly makes my name sound cooler. I plan on referring to myself as such until I become "Sir James Richard Mitchener, PhD." I've got to wait a little while for that one...

Other than my name, I am a pretty casual laid back person. Not a whole lot bothers me, and if it does, I tend to let the world know about it. Ironically, I'm an introvert. Not many people would guess it given how I act, but I am, and I am doing all I can to overcome it. I suppose, because of my desire not to be an introvert, I could call myself an "Introverted Extrovert".

I am a Creative Writing Major, a Professional Writing Major, and I plan to end up with a PhD in either Creative Writing or English. I am an aspiring author, having completed my first book a little over a month ago and am currently working on the sequel.

Other than that, there's not much more you need to know. Really, you should just stop being so nosey....