Condom Loophole

Now, I know I've already done a blog on satisfaction guarantee's, but this one needs its own page entirely. I was looking through my drawers for a pen when I stumbled across a box of condom's I bought the other week. The box was unopened and unused, accumulating it's fair amount of dust (I have a very eventful sex life apparently), but I believe that one should always be prepared. That and unsafe sex is just not cool. For anyone. Ever. But I'm getting off topic. The Point I am trying to make is this: the condom box read, in the top left corner, "100% Satisfaction Guarantee".

At first, I just sort of shrugged it off, but when my brain started doing its usual tactic of thinking about things that I don't really care about, I started to question the guarantee. When this became a bit of a mystery, my conscious thoughts took over and I began to analyze the situation. The way I see it, there are two possibilities here. Either (a) the condom company is guaranteeing you will have a pleasurable experience, or (b) the condom company is guaranteeing their condom will work as stated, which in some ways includes part (a).

I really hope it's (a). Just think about the absolutely flawless loophole they have created here. I can almost picture the court case now.

Judge: Mr. Bryant, you are suing the condom company "Durex" for the amount of $100,000,000 for not fulfilling their guarantee?

Mr. Bryant: That is correct, Your Honour.

[...]

Defense Attorney: Mr. Bryant, is it not possible that the reason you were not satisfied is because you are a terrible lover?

Mr. Bryant: Well... no... I mean-

Defense Attorney: Mr. Bryant, you are under oath.

Mr. Bryant: Well, I suppose, maybe, it's a possibility...

Defense Attorney: No further questions Your Honour.

It's beautiful, isn't it? Durex could never, ever, get in trouble for this. Whenever someone complained, they could always claim that person is just terrible in bed. If, somehow, that person can prove they aren't terrible in the sack, then all Durex has to do is shift the blame onto the other member of the sexual incursion. Priceless.

I want that job when I'm older, being the guy who comes up with guarantee's that mean absolutely nothing.